Asperger, Tourette and Art - Tightrope Walking Beneath Heaven
It might sound strange, but every title of the works I have created through the years seems to fit my life to a tee; so does «Tightrope walking beneath heaven» – a symphonic poem from 1993.
The titles have become self-fulfilling premonitions. I can see this very clearly and I realize I am the titles of what I create: I walk the tightrope through life beneath the heavens. I can't help this situation, but I have to fix my eyes on an external, faraway point to prevent myself from falling off the rope, in a world that is conventional. There are but two exceptions from this rope and having to look far ahead not to fall: when I am alone in nature I can lower my eyes; and alone with art I can lower my eyes.
To me, one day equals a lifetime. Not a single hour passes without my brain working full speed; automatically, inexhaustibly and incessantly creative. There is never a recess. My brain is like a sensor receiving impressions all the time. I have always been this way. I haven't developed in any direction since I was a child. I have always had the same thoughts, always seen the same things, always heard the same sounds and felt the same emotions. I can see and hear "everything", but it is a daily struggle. This enriches my life immensely but it also makes my existence very dynamic because neurotypical people have a tendency to flock around what I see as conformist lifelies or illusions. To me that equals breathing in a vacuum; I cannot harbor life-lies. I cannot accept a world run by religion and moralizing politics, which gives the state unsubstantiated power over the individual.
Finding a way to turn my creativity into a living is an imperative. This is indeed very challenging and almost unnatural, because it often demands my being social and present in conventional settings. I cannot go through with this without risking psychological "meltdowns" trailing behind. I am an autodidact; I am completely without a formal music education. Not because I don't acknowledge or respect schooling. Asperger's syndrome has made it very difficult for me to cope with what others perceive as mundane and trivial. That is why I cannot manage having a conventional job.
I am born without a «filter» and that forces me to act with caution, being very selective in my choices and how I interact.
Everything I do is carried out in an alternative way:
without a safety net. I have ended up outside the
conventional world on a parallel pathway,
and I exist in my own orbit circling around the Earth.
I experience euphoria and despair;
unlimited elation and bottomless pits.
But I do not feel manic in any way.
There are many things I cannot do in this life,
but I do make art continuously.
I see that there are a striking number of
people carrying autistic traits that have
made incredible art; the painting you admire,
fantastic inventions or the music you cannot stop listening to.
I believe that there is a "third eye" in play here,
an extra dimension making the rich experience even richer
for the audience; someone seeing on behalf of others;
someone carrying the intellectual and philosophical strain.
There are, and always have been, other artists with Asperger's
syndrome; I am not exclusive in this respect.
I want to contribute to the task of giving Asperger's
syndrome and Tourette's syndrome a human face,
even if I walk the tightrope alone.
As far back as I can remember I have
perceived my work as a breathing situation:
inhaling impressions and exhaling music.
Without breathing you cannot live.
Knowing that I can leave a lasting
fingerprint on the world renders
my life manageable and un-pathetic.
"For me music has always been as clear and plain as looking at
a tree. I just close my eyes and the music is there as clearly as
the memory of the tree. The creation of music might happen on a
subconscious level: that the music comes from impressions.
Whether this is an analytical aspect or not, I cannot answer."
You can follow composer Flint Juventino Beppe on HELLO STAGE! and on his website http://www.fjbfingerprint.com/.